I need you.

So this is pretty much how I feel about everything right now.

Who's the savior I'm talking about?

That's for you to figure out.

I'm Scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared that nothing I have ever done or ever do will be good enough. That even when I try to prove myself no one will be impressed. I'll just be laughed at. Like I have been the rest of my life. I'll just be a nobody. I'll be nothing. I'm scared of growing up. Everything changes. It's all so new and frightening. I hate changing. I don't want to get older and drift further away from my close friends. I'm scared of my appearance. I'm scared of looking ugly. I have VERY low self-esteem. I guess when you go through 14 out of 16 years of your life with people telling you you're ugly and not good enough you start to believe it yourself. And it really damages your brain. I'm scared of moving. Not me moving, but my friends. My best friend might be moving away. Far away. If she left, I'd be alone and surrounded by people I don't know (except like 4 others). I'd be lost. And severely depressed. I'd be alone. And that is my biggest fear of all. Being alone.

Things Seem To Have Changed...

Things just seem different. Maybe, it's just me but I don't think things are quite the same anymore. I still feel lost, but I think I've strayed even further from my path. Maybe I'm still on it, but it's too dark to even realize where I am. To know that I'm still here. Maybe I think too much. I'm not quite sure. I'll admit, I've begun to feel happier. The sun is getting brighter and my depression seems to like the sunlight. But, I've also been liking the dark as well. Lately, I've been sitting on my window seat at night and watching the sky. Watching the starlights. It's almost like I can reach out and touch them, their twinkling soft glow. I've come to realize that, stars make me feel better. They just make me feel like anything is possible. The clouds make me feel depressed though. They like to come and cover up my light, and take away my happiness. Yet, I think that even if the sun is hidden behind the clouds, it can still reach you and warm your heart. So I try not to worry about all the trivial stuff in my life, and let the sun warm my heart. I try to tell this to myself over and over again but it feels like I'm getting nowhere. I can't convince myself of anything. I can't believe in myself. I can't do it. I need someone that I can rely on. I have a few people I can trust with anything, a sacred few that would do anything for me, but it's not exactly the same. Maybe it's just the fact that I want to be loved. I want to have someone tell me they love me, and truly mean it. I want someone who's perfect for me. Someone who will want me just for being me. He's not going to be perfect. I'm not either, and the two of us will never be perfect. But if he can make me laugh at least once, causes me to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, I'll hold on to him and give him the most I can. He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about me every moment, but he will give me a part of him that he knows I could break. I won't hurt him, won't change him, and won't expect more than he can give. I won't analyze. I'll smile when he makes me happy, yell when he makes me mad, and miss him when he's not there. I'll love hard when there is love to be had. Sadly, perfect guys don't exist, but there is always that one guy who is perfect for me, and one that is perfect for you. I hope to find mine soon.