I'm too judgmental of myself

Why do I always have to compare myself to other people? I always have to. It's not like I'm meaning to. I'm not doing it on purpose. It just happens. I juxtapose myself against these practically perfect beings and put myself down. I have issues, I have problems. I know I do. But I can't seem to stop this odd habit of mine. I go through phases of my life. I try to be exactly like this person that I'm currently idolizing. I go as far as styling my hair to that to throwing out clothes to changing a lot of things about myself including my personality. It feels like i'm not even comfortable in my own skin, I have to be someone else to be accepted and liked for who I am. Maybe that's because I have serious trust issues and this deep & festering fear that if they all truly knew who I was then I would be shunned by every single human to walk this planet. It feels like no one completely knows me because I shut my real soul away from the world. Only a few people have succeeded in finding it. I feel so confused about who I'm supposed to be. This whole scenario seems so strange. I know why I do it, but I don't know how to stop it. I know that I want to be different. I don't want to be a brainless bimbo. A popular girl that blends into society getting by on the fact that she's got a nice face and a non existent brain. I don't want to be a clone. I don't want to be like them. And yet every single teenager says the same. "I want to be different from everyone else. I want to stand out and be heard." A line that we've all heard over and over again. Everyone want's to be different. I know. It's so cliched. But the sad part is that we really are all alike. Almost none of us are different. Sad but true. And the fact that I can't find who I am is bothering me. It's almost like I'm from somewhere above looking down on myself as I go through this constant routine of change. I really hate the way things like this go down. Its disgusting. I wish it wasn't possible and I allowed myself to be my own person. I hate this facade that I keep putting on. But aside from the mask that I'm wearing, I'm so very thankful for my best friend. She is the greatest! She's the sweetest most amazing girl I've ever met. She shows benevolence to everyone and anyone who crosses her pathway and I wish I could be more like her. (: I love you Shalyn! Well, for now I'll be leaving. Sayonara.

Everything has seemed so...different lately. I've been doing nothing but reading. I'm not a reading person at all. I don't even know what's come over me. I've been reading anything I can get my hands on. Its my only escape. The only thing that can make me feel happy in my life when I'm alone. I don't have anyone to talk to, so i've turned towards reading. Writing as well. my lyrics are actually turning out really well lately. Azita's helped me so much with them. She inspires me. (:

I'm on my new macbook now by the way! It's so exciting. A new place to store all my music and my thoughts and lyrics. It's great.

I heard what happened in Haiti. It's awful. I wish I could be there, helping, serving, doing anything that I could to help those people in need. Gosh, I wish I could be there. So badly. My heart is with them, my prayers are with them.

Rant- Bah sorry. Don't waste your time by reading this.

I hate this feeling. This sick feeling. This bothersome sore throat that won't go away no matter what I do. I hate getting sick. I get sick so often. My immune system is so weak, and it sucks. :( Bah Humbug. Of course I would get sick at the start of a new year. I WOULD. That is so me. AWESOME. THANKS BODY. YOU'RE WONDERFUL. YEAH.

I've been so bored and tired lately too. It's not my fault, I think I have that SAD thing, seasonal depression or whatever. I always get sad during winter. It's just me. Always been like that, most likely always will. I might also have a slight case of insomnia. I'm so extremely tired in the day, but I stay up all night because I seem to have no drowsiness. I don't even know... Like right now, I should be so tired, falling asleep as I type this, but I feel wide awake. I've been awake. All night. Thanks to my throat. There are dozens of cough drop wrappers littering my desk. I need to throw them away but my legs aren't seeming to function. My body doesn't want to move, aside from my hands and fingers.

I really don't want to go back to school. I dislike homework and learning about boring things that I won't ever remember after we're done taking tests on it. I only enjoy it's social scene. I like talking to my friends and classmates. I would do that all day, I guess you could call me a social butterfly when I want to be. When I'm not shut in my room writing or just being away from the world, lost in my thoughts. Not replying to any texts or doing much of anything. So if I don't text you back for a full day, you now know what I'm doing. So don't get mad when I don't respond to your probably meaningless "hi".

I hate how people can text you the most fake stuff, and most of the time I believe it. It's cause I'm so gullible. They don't care about how I'm doing or what I'm up too. They're just texting me for the sake of texting, not being alone and awkward, they're bored, or something else. I hate those people. That's why I text with sincerity. When I ask how someone's doing I truly care and want to know. Everyone's answer is usually a "good" but I love it when it's not. It sounds so selfish, that I'm kind of hoping that someone has a problem. And it is selfish and almost cruel. But I just like cheering people up, I love being able to say the right thing and make someone feel better. I've been told it's a gift I have by several people, and I love my so called "gift".

But I think I might try to get in a small bit of sleep. I've been watching the same Barbie movie for days now. But at least I stopped watching Thumbelina. I swear I've seen that over 400 times. But I still love it. Watching it makes me smile and laugh and makes me feel happy.
I also apologize for the way I write. It's so jumbled and mixed together because it's my stream of consciousness, so I'm sorry but you're just going to have to deal with that. (:

Good Night Blog. (:

Start All Over

In 2009 I...

|| ►Broke a promise

|| ►Fell out of love

|| ►Lied

|| ►Cried over a broken heart

|| ►Disappointed someone close

|| ►Hid a secret

|| ►Pretended to be happy

|| ►Met someone who changed my life

|| ►Sat home all day doing nothing

|| ►Pretended to be sick

|| ►Lost something expensive

|| ►Learned something new about myself

|| ►Tried something I normally wouldn't try and liked it

|| ►Made a change in my life

|| ►Found out who my true friends were

|| ►Met great people

|| ►Stayed up till sunrise

|| ►Cried over the silliest thing

|| ►Had friends who were drifting away from me

|| ►Got sick

|| ►Liked more than 5 people at the same time

|| ►Celebrated Halloween

|| ►Had my heart broken

|| ►Had a stalker

|| ►Did something I regretted

|| ►Painted a picture

|| ►Wrote a poem

|| ►Ran a mile

|| ►Shopped at Hollister

|| ►Listened to music I couldn't stand

|| ►Went to a sleepover

|| ►Laughed till I cried

|| ►Cut in a line of waiting people

|| ►Told someone I was busy when I wasn't

|| ►Partied to celebrate the new year

In 2010 I will...

|| ►Get prettier

|| ►Grow out my hair

|| ►Keep my hair healthy

|| ►Get a better haircut

|| ►Try out new hairstyle and makeup ideas

|| ►Be more fashionable

|| ►Take good care of my skin

|| ►Keep my good hygiene up

|| ►Always smell good

|| ►Always have my nails painted

|| ►Put more lotion on

|| ►Write more often

|| ►Blog more often

|| ►Draw more often

|| ►Hang out with and talk to friends more often

|| ►Try calling instead of texting

|| ►Meet cute boys

|| ►Date cute boys

|| ►Take more pictures

|| ►Be happier, optimistic, focus on good things

|| ►Leave bad things for diaries and writing

|| ►Make more music with Azita

|| ►Hang out with my sister buddy best friend Shalyn

|| ►Stop dumping all my problems on Lane

|| ►Get better grades

|| ►Study more

|| ►Laugh and smile everyday

|| ►Never spend a day doing nothing

|| ►Cut back on junk food

|| ►Be more spiritual

|| ►Be more outgoing

|| ►Possibly get a job and my license

|| ►Be more in shape

|| ►Have more fun

|| ►Be outside more

|| ►Fall in love?

|| ►Make amazing memories. (:

Starting fresh. This will be my first blog post.

2010 HERE I COME. BE PREPARED.